November 4th, 2009


Overworkings of a tired and lonely insomniac brain

I went to bed around midnight and woke up at 2am for some reason. I was pretty tired and thought I could go back to sleep easily, but then I started focusing on the weird tapping sound from the kitchen. Being the fucking pussy that I am, I didn't go check what it was, while at the same time thinking about every horror story scenario that couldn't possibly be what was going on at the moment.

Now here I am, two hours later, thinking for some reason about how I don't really know of anyone else who can relate to not having a family. A lot of people put family first, and always think of it as the stable set of relationships that will be there with you for the rest of your life, even when friends and significant others fail you. My ties with my family are pretty much shot. Much of my family here in California was only kept together because of my grandmother, even after the disintegration of amiability between siblings. My grandmother is currently in a convalescent home in what's probably going to end up her deathbed. She's the one that raised me for most of my life, so I don't have very strong bonds with anyone else, including my biological parents. The rest of my non-immediate family chooses to ignore my existence, and I have no desire to appeal to them. My mother is a stubborn bitch who has no skill in being a parent, and kicked me out of her house a second time this summer after deciding it was a better option to alienate her elder daughter in hopes of appeasing the younger one into halting her whining and screaming from having to share her parents' attention. And as I am my mother's daughter, I don't plan on ever going back to see her unless absolutely necessary.

So this leaves me with wondering what I'm supposed to do as the holidays roll around and everyone goes back home to their families. I at least have Thanksgiving covered, as I'll probably tell my stepdad that I can't make it home because I need to study, and I've been invited by a friend of mine to spend the holiday with his family (no more than two blocks away from my parents' house, coincidentally). I suppose I have Christmas covered too since I don't really want to celebrate a religious holiday, so I can just sit in my apartment doing nothing. Judging from the family party last year, no one will miss me anyway.

I'm assuming other people in this situation would end up spending their holidays with their significant other and their family, but I don't really have that option either since my welcome at their place is questionable. I have even less of a reason to show up somewhere where I am unwanted when they're not even my own family. I don't really believe in the concept of marriage as a symbol of anything besides tax breaks, but I did read that one of the reasons to get married is to become part of a family. Don't worry, though, this isn't what you're thinking. I'm not going to force assimilation, and on top of that, I call bullshit because just like how marriage doesn't ensure that two people love each other, it's not going to make anyone else love you just because you're family under state law.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I have 50% less of the normal relationships people have when you include friends, family, significant other, and their family. Considering that I'm also not a very sociable person, I don't have all that many friends to rely on either. I also can't rely on my significant other to keep me company all the time (nor would he want to), so really, I'm a pretty lonely person. Usually it doesn't bother me, but this is how my mind is occupying itself during the early hours of the morning. My mind is occupying itself by telling me that I'll always be the unwanted child...

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    lonely lonely