Now the dreaded holidays are coming closer and I guess Thanksgiving at my friend's place fell through, so I've kind of fallen into a shallow little hole of self-pity. Donut does a pretty good job of telling me to STFU and stop being an emofag, so I feel slightly better. He pointed out that family ties are there from the start and don't really take any effort to exist. Your family is there for you because they have to be, and even when they don't want to be, they have to "because you're family." No matter how much you want to get rid of them, you'll always have that relationship. Friends, on the other hand, are ties that you create yourself. These are ties that take a lot more work because they can be broken a lot more easily than those with family. Considering this definition, my friends should be much more important to me than my family, regardless of how good/shitty my family is, just because I maintain friendships by choice rather than by obligation.
Either way, I told my stepdad that I didn't want to see my mom and to just tell her that I'm not coming to Thanksgiving because I have to study for finals. Now I just need an excuse not to go home for Christmas.
On another note, I have one cousin on Facebook that I haven't blocked from my news feed. The other two are fucking idiots and I'm ashamed to be related to them. Apparently, she dreads holidays with our family as well. It's funny that one of the people that could actually understand me in my family is someone I never really saw growing up. However, I think that we may be too much alike to actually get along, especially in the fact that we're both full of ourselves and would probably spend a lot of time complaining/bragging to each other about how our family has wronged us. Plus, there's always the age gap and she's about 10 years older than I am so she might just shrug off any of my ideals as forms of hers that are completely convoluted by modern society. I wouldn't be surprised if she grouped me in with the rest of the camwhores and fucktards in my family.
On yet another note, my emo neighbor participates in Harry Potter LARPing. Super nerdy, but he makes a sexy Tom Riddle and has the convincing murderous look to boot.
I went to bed around midnight and woke up at 2am for some reason. I was pretty tired and thought I could go back to sleep easily, but then I started focusing on the weird tapping sound from the kitchen. Being the fucking pussy that I am, I didn't go check what it was, while at the same time thinking about every horror story scenario that couldn't possibly be what was going on at the moment.
Now here I am, two hours later, thinking for some reason about how I don't really know of anyone else who can relate to not having a family. A lot of people put family first, and always think of it as the stable set of relationships that will be there with you for the rest of your life, even when friends and significant others fail you. My ties with my family are pretty much shot. Much of my family here in California was only kept together because of my grandmother, even after the disintegration of amiability between siblings. My grandmother is currently in a convalescent home in what's probably going to end up her deathbed. She's the one that raised me for most of my life, so I don't have very strong bonds with anyone else, including my biological parents. The rest of my non-immediate family chooses to ignore my existence, and I have no desire to appeal to them. My mother is a stubborn bitch who has no skill in being a parent, and kicked me out of her house a second time this summer after deciding it was a better option to alienate her elder daughter in hopes of appeasing the younger one into halting her whining and screaming from having to share her parents' attention. And as I am my mother's daughter, I don't plan on ever going back to see her unless absolutely necessary.
So this leaves me with wondering what I'm supposed to do as the holidays roll around and everyone goes back home to their families. I at least have Thanksgiving covered, as I'll probably tell my stepdad that I can't make it home because I need to study, and I've been invited by a friend of mine to spend the holiday with his family (no more than two blocks away from my parents' house, coincidentally). I suppose I have Christmas covered too since I don't really want to celebrate a religious holiday, so I can just sit in my apartment doing nothing. Judging from the family party last year, no one will miss me anyway.
I'm assuming other people in this situation would end up spending their holidays with their significant other and their family, but I don't really have that option either since my welcome at their place is questionable. I have even less of a reason to show up somewhere where I am unwanted when they're not even my own family. I don't really believe in the concept of marriage as a symbol of anything besides tax breaks, but I did read that one of the reasons to get married is to become part of a family. Don't worry, though, this isn't what you're thinking. I'm not going to force assimilation, and on top of that, I call bullshit because just like how marriage doesn't ensure that two people love each other, it's not going to make anyone else love you just because you're family under state law.
So I guess what I'm getting at is that I have 50% less of the normal relationships people have when you include friends, family, significant other, and their family. Considering that I'm also not a very sociable person, I don't have all that many friends to rely on either. I also can't rely on my significant other to keep me company all the time (nor would he want to), so really, I'm a pretty lonely person. Usually it doesn't bother me, but this is how my mind is occupying itself during the early hours of the morning. My mind is occupying itself by telling me that I'll always be the unwanted child...
This has happened before, with a significant other trying to find my journal. I think this one's a little less resourceful than the other, who traced my screen name using Ruth's screen name, which he found linked to her Imageshack account, which he found because I used the account to store a copy of the goatse pic I posted to his MySpace. I know Donut will find this eventually, since I said the username in a conversation he has logged on AIM, so I suppose I'm just leaving a message now.
Hi boyfriend, you're hella dumb! Come home safe from your trip! <3
Man, getting this iPhone update is so troublesome. Turns out I don't even get all the updates that I wanted when the AT&T salesperson convinced me to buy it. I haven't had MMS for months and I can't even receive e-mails everywhere since my service keeps cutting out. Blah. Why couldn't Verizon just sell its soul to Steve Jobs?
Looking back at the last set of entries I wrote before my hiatus, I was an angry, naive, emotional little child. Now, I'm...I guess, still all of the above. I suppose since I first got my LJ, my total displacement took about seven years and moved me from the office in my parents' house downstairs to the guest room upstairs where I'm staying to get away from university life and the responsibilities of living alone. In other words, that is about ten yards up and five years of maturity down.
I'm kind of hoping to find some kind of LJ survey about my life that I filled out years ago that I can just update to keep track of what's new and what's old, but I'm still a little lost here. I'd also like to hide some of the older posts because they make me uncomfortable, especially when they talk about my relationship with someone who was about two significant others ago...which really irks me. For maybe two years after that relationship ended, I liked to pride myself on keeping on good terms with the person, but more recently, the thought that I ever slept with him really, really grosses me out. I don't know why it is that I made this uncomfortable for myself. Things were fine, nothing bad happened when we broke up. I think this weirdness is my fault.
It seems like I take it pretty badly when I start losing connections with people I onced enjoyed the company of. Ex-significant others, ex-friends, my family, my boyfriend's family, etc., the last of which has b& me from their house because I used to hang around there all the fucking time, forcing me and Donut to resort to fucking in his car, including today, during daylight, in the parking lot of the mall.
Yes, yes. Enough information from me. If anyone has one of those survey thingies I can fill out, please gimme?
My last LJ entry was January 18, 2006. I'm pleasantly surprised that not everyone has abandoned their blogs as I have for the past three years or so (Panda, Jimmy, Andrew, Lizette, Cisco). It seems a lot has changed with the system and it was a bit disorienting logging in and navigating to read Aimal's last journal entry. Perhaps I'll start writing again, since sometimes I can't trust my memory of timelines and events. Also, my writing has taken a turn for the worst after not being forced to write since the last English class I took a few summers ago (I think three? It was English 126 at DVC, which didn't even transfer over to UC Davis). I think I have a bit of free time during the summer, and I always thought keeping a blog was challenging. Here's to this not being a fleeting whim.
I FUCKIN' HATE PROFESSOR GEORGE!!! i hope he dies before he submits grades for this semester.
i also hate that fuckin' two-minute light on the corner of the valero station going up larkspur.
i want to stab things. now.